sometimes

You know sometimes when you make stupid decisions and you feel guilty, and you feel like an idiot, and then you take a step back and realize that there's nothing to worry about, and that you're not so much of an idiot? Well I feel like that for some reason. I don't really get why exactly, but I'm sure I'll know soon. Things have been going alright here lately, I'm really more so ready to just move on from all the stupidity that is myself. I know that's a hateful thing to say about one's self, but whatevski.

Fact of the matter is, is that I don't know anything. I don't really know myself as well as I thought I did, never thought it'd come to this, but it has. I kinda feel like I'm doing all the wrong things, and that's making matters worse for me. And I know a lot of that comes from not being myself anymore. I hate that the most about myself. I wish I could just be silly and carefree Jennifer again. But something inside me won't allow it. And that's starting to get VERY irritating. I miss my friends, all of them. Specifically those in Tuscaloosa, I feel a lot better about myself when I'm around them. Ben and Liz mainly.

Honestly, the others aren't really anything but matter now, I know that's awful but it's true. I've never really had friends that I thought would stand up for me no matter what, but Ben and Liz really are. Even though we don't see each other a lot, or talk a lot, it's still known that put either one beside me and not only will we have a good time, but we'll make sure everybody knows. I miss being social, yeah, but then on the other hand it's exhausting to me. I have this facade of a girl that I wear to make myself feel more confident. And we all know mixing alcohol in with that just maybe takes that girl a little over the edge.

That's the last thing I want to do is feel fake, or feel like I haven't shown my true-self. I sit here with my cellphone in hand and text people, and the one's who don't respond sadly I delete from my phone (terrible, blahblahblah) but hey, it makes me feel better at least. I just wish I had somebody closer to home, Grey's here, Jennifer's here, but Jennifer I never really get to see, actually ever, and when I do see her, it's brief (which pisses me off, not at her, but at the fact that that happens.). And when is it that I'll actually be able to visit everybody? I feel like such a bitch when I have to say "no, I can't this weekend, I don't have the money" or "nah, can't this time, sorry!". I mean what kind of friend am I? No wonder people don't respond to texts or calls.

I just feel worthless all over again, and it's all because of me. You didn't ask, but I did tell, so I'm voting for John McCain, if I vote at all. I dunno what to say now. I like banana smoothies, Grey makes good ones.