talk about a roller coaster, it's up and down and up and down, and this is repetitive, forgive me.

I know you're going to read this, so don't take any offense to it at all...

I'm a girl, so this is where my head is at at the moment.

I've been reading the Twilight series, and like every other girl in the world who has read it, or watched the movies, I've fallen in love with Edward, not in reality, but who his character is. I can only hope one day (forget about him being a vampire, and these books being complete and total fiction for this, please.) you'll understand how my brain works around this...Well I get emotionally involved with characters in books and movies, no matter what, I always connect somehow, or so my therapist says, well...reading somebody's story, one that's not mine, obviously, and finding that there's somebody out there who wrote from my brain about how I feel about you into their story is completely insane. But I realize that all girls feel like this about their first love. And that's what I consider you to be.

ANYWAYS, back to Edward.

He's the one every girl falls for, the most beautiful man you'd ever lay your eyes on, the one you're speechless around because you can't focus on your balance enough to catch yourself from tripping around him. Much less, he's the one who torments you and frustrates you, and makes you feel like you're the only one who matters. Even more less, he's the one who you know could break your heart (again in my life, as well as in the series) at any moment, so you cling to that hope, that suffering you had to go through, all in hopes that you never, ever have to relive that again. He's a fighter, a lover, he chases you, but no matter how irritating he can be when he acts so protective you know it's from the deepest softest part of his heart (he didn't have one though, cause he's a vampire, duh). But I know you don't understand what I'm getting to, and it's all really stupid anyway, but I hope you can kind of get it...

You're my Edward, you always will be, all I want to know is that no matter how stupid I am, no matter how different we are, that you'll never leave me. That you'll always claim me, you'll always protect me, and you'll love me for who I am no matter my past, no matter my future. Because I love you for all you are, that's all I want in return. I know this is probably completely unnecessary, but I can't help but feel this way.

When he leaves Bella in New Moon I lived her nightmare, I lived her fear, I lived it, in my own life. I lived through in again in the book, flashbacks of how empty I was, I might have gotten to see you or talk to you (she doesn't get that chance in the book, he just leaves, because "she deserves more, she deserves better, to be safe", and he's gone). Reliving that experience and those feelings through somebody else (even a fictional character in a completely fabricated story) is enough to take me back and feel like this all over again. I'm tormented almost every time I start reading because I feel everything, and I don't feel you sometimes, I guess. And so when I start reading, I feel like I feel you more. I know that's silly because you're there, but sometimes I just wonder if you're there like I am.

I'm not doubting us at all, I'm simply wanting to see passion, I know it's fairy tale for me to think that it'll come anywhere close to the series, but just knowing...just knowing that you'd fight for me, that you wouldn't back down because "it's not who you are". I want to see that. I know you're shy, I know you don't care about other people, I know you care about me in such a manner that some people think we're weirdos. But I know you love me, I just want to feel it.

Like I said, all I want is to know that I'm it. I don't want you to be silly about how much you love me, I want to see the passion behind it every now and then. It's just being a girl, I think, or maybe I'm neurotic. I don't know. I just know that if it came to it, I'd lay down my life for you, you are beyond the most important thing in my life. You are it. No matter how insane that sounds to other people, it's the truth, and I can't help it. You and I have been through a lot and there's a lot that we know about each other, we've been together almost three years, a feat neither of us have ever accomplished.

I really don't know exactly why I'm writing this, and it's completely silly when I think about comparing you to this character in this book, but it's true. Every girl wants a guy like that, sure, but not every girl finds him. I think I have, but I want to know I have. I don't want to have any doubts, not saying that I have any big ones, I guess it would make me feel a lot better about our relationship if I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you didn't even care about anybody else in the world (female of course, excluding family). That no matter what you'll always protect me, always watch over me, you'll be there til the end, and you'll love every minute of it, only because I was there with you through it all. There's really not much else to say, I've just been thinking about this the whole time I'm reading. Every time I pick one of these books up, I feel Edward, and I want to know it's you. So, that's where the dreams are coming from. :)

I love you.