talk about a roller coaster, it's up and down and up and down, and this is repetitive, forgive me.

I know you're going to read this, so don't take any offense to it at all...

I'm a girl, so this is where my head is at at the moment.

I've been reading the Twilight series, and like every other girl in the world who has read it, or watched the movies, I've fallen in love with Edward, not in reality, but who his character is. I can only hope one day (forget about him being a vampire, and these books being complete and total fiction for this, please.) you'll understand how my brain works around this...Well I get emotionally involved with characters in books and movies, no matter what, I always connect somehow, or so my therapist says, well...reading somebody's story, one that's not mine, obviously, and finding that there's somebody out there who wrote from my brain about how I feel about you into their story is completely insane. But I realize that all girls feel like this about their first love. And that's what I consider you to be.

ANYWAYS, back to Edward.

He's the one every girl falls for, the most beautiful man you'd ever lay your eyes on, the one you're speechless around because you can't focus on your balance enough to catch yourself from tripping around him. Much less, he's the one who torments you and frustrates you, and makes you feel like you're the only one who matters. Even more less, he's the one who you know could break your heart (again in my life, as well as in the series) at any moment, so you cling to that hope, that suffering you had to go through, all in hopes that you never, ever have to relive that again. He's a fighter, a lover, he chases you, but no matter how irritating he can be when he acts so protective you know it's from the deepest softest part of his heart (he didn't have one though, cause he's a vampire, duh). But I know you don't understand what I'm getting to, and it's all really stupid anyway, but I hope you can kind of get it...

You're my Edward, you always will be, all I want to know is that no matter how stupid I am, no matter how different we are, that you'll never leave me. That you'll always claim me, you'll always protect me, and you'll love me for who I am no matter my past, no matter my future. Because I love you for all you are, that's all I want in return. I know this is probably completely unnecessary, but I can't help but feel this way.

When he leaves Bella in New Moon I lived her nightmare, I lived her fear, I lived it, in my own life. I lived through in again in the book, flashbacks of how empty I was, I might have gotten to see you or talk to you (she doesn't get that chance in the book, he just leaves, because "she deserves more, she deserves better, to be safe", and he's gone). Reliving that experience and those feelings through somebody else (even a fictional character in a completely fabricated story) is enough to take me back and feel like this all over again. I'm tormented almost every time I start reading because I feel everything, and I don't feel you sometimes, I guess. And so when I start reading, I feel like I feel you more. I know that's silly because you're there, but sometimes I just wonder if you're there like I am.

I'm not doubting us at all, I'm simply wanting to see passion, I know it's fairy tale for me to think that it'll come anywhere close to the series, but just knowing...just knowing that you'd fight for me, that you wouldn't back down because "it's not who you are". I want to see that. I know you're shy, I know you don't care about other people, I know you care about me in such a manner that some people think we're weirdos. But I know you love me, I just want to feel it.

Like I said, all I want is to know that I'm it. I don't want you to be silly about how much you love me, I want to see the passion behind it every now and then. It's just being a girl, I think, or maybe I'm neurotic. I don't know. I just know that if it came to it, I'd lay down my life for you, you are beyond the most important thing in my life. You are it. No matter how insane that sounds to other people, it's the truth, and I can't help it. You and I have been through a lot and there's a lot that we know about each other, we've been together almost three years, a feat neither of us have ever accomplished.

I really don't know exactly why I'm writing this, and it's completely silly when I think about comparing you to this character in this book, but it's true. Every girl wants a guy like that, sure, but not every girl finds him. I think I have, but I want to know I have. I don't want to have any doubts, not saying that I have any big ones, I guess it would make me feel a lot better about our relationship if I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you didn't even care about anybody else in the world (female of course, excluding family). That no matter what you'll always protect me, always watch over me, you'll be there til the end, and you'll love every minute of it, only because I was there with you through it all. There's really not much else to say, I've just been thinking about this the whole time I'm reading. Every time I pick one of these books up, I feel Edward, and I want to know it's you. So, that's where the dreams are coming from. :)

I love you.

j-j-j-jaaaded

The title of this blog has nothing to do with its subject...whatsoever.

Anyways, I've been in a reaaaal funk here lately, namely the past week or two. What makes it so hard to deal with is I don't know what's causing it. I don't know if I'm depressed (I was medicated, but the doctor's took me off, said I didn't need it, same thing for bpd). I wish I could just tell. There are days the past two weeks that I haven't even wanted to get out of bed, and I just start crying, wtf is that?? Blah oh well. Maybe it's the weather, school ending, and having a VERY limited part time job. I need something to do with my time other than ponder.

Any suggestions? ♥

Hey Nathan, Jax wants one....real bad real bad.

oh dear.... xposted to myspace and LJ as well

My dream last night....

It involved me going to get my haircut at this old salon I used to go to, but it was apparently located in my old dorm building in Montevallo. Well upon entering the salon, I recognized a few people from the news (namely McLovin [no shit], Seth Rogen [srsly], that REALLY ugle blonde girl from Dawson's Creek [wtf?????], and the main guy from Sarah Marshall), well they were burglars/murderers, and I acted all nonchalant and left the salon to "go grab my purse".

Well as I was rounding the building and going down the hill (running like lightening) I passed the office window of the salon, which is where the girl who used to cut my hair was sitting with her boss, and I banged on it to get them to get out because they were in danger.

So, they didn't hear me, and I got to my car, and of course, it wouldn't start, so I'm leaned over hiding in my car praying for it to start, and right as it starts (I'm parallel parked) McLovin (who is the leader) taps on my window, he apparently didn't know I was in the salon, and they had already done their business, he was really nice, he wanted me to take pictures for their myspace....?

Well, I was scared as hell they were going to kill me too, so I did just as they asked. Then before I knew it, I was hanging out with them, we were buddies, then Nathan showed up somehow, and I got all randy (in my dream). Well, after I had hung out with them, goofed off, gone to the store, and drank with them, I was like "Well, I gotta go!" and they let me leave! But Nathan was still in there, so I didn't leave until I talked to him all flirtatiously, but the bad guys didn't catch on that I had known him before all of this.

So to make a long story short, Nathan was going to leave after I did so we didn't look suspicious. And I get out to my car, and whoops, I forgot my camera, McLovin chased me down to my car and was handing it to me, he asked if he could keep it, and I LOL'd and said no it was too expensive, but I'd email him the pictures with a big ol' smile on muh face.

As I was pulling out of my new parallel parking spot, I see McLovin enter the salon/building again, and then it all just goes "BOOM!!!"...Nathan had built a bomb to save us, but he forgot about the timer when I was flirting with him. The fire department and police department and news crews all showed up, no bodies were found, and I was considered a survivor of the whole event. So I was in the spot light of the news unfortunately. And then at Nathan's funeral, as I was reading his eulogy, McLovin, who is all beaten up, broken, bloody, and stitched up, is sitting down a few rows back giving me the stink eye...And I get very nervous, because since I've been in the spot light he knows I know all about them...then I woke up.

yo yo yooooo

I have seashore.
And it's oh so fun.

So I'll be like Liz.
And make a funny picture.

I like burritos.



lol @ this crazy little bastard:

this is why my boyfriend roolz:

FO sho.





FO sho.
Even though he doesn't want to, he will...
muwahahahaha!!!!!

concentrate!

So I just left Nathan's apartment

(we'll call him Bubbas from now on so nobody gets confused)

and well I get home, can't sleep. This is the damn near zillionth time this has

happened and it's getting very VERY frustrating.

I guess maybe because I have morning classes,

and that just screws me up.

Obama...yay (& I am a republican)!

McCain...I loved you at first, but you threw me for a loop :\

(next election, maybe? ♥)

Things have been alright, here's a little recap of the last time I updated:

• Grey had a Halloween party on Halloween, it was tons of fun, of course, I got drunk, and was clearly the entertainment for most of the night.
• Woke up, went to the barn and cooked all day/afternoon for a birthday party, it was supposed to be 300+ people, but it was only 150 students and roughly 70 parents, not too shabby.
• I need iron and protein in my system, it's fucking me up more than ever right now, my diet's screwed up, but hey that's what I get for having surgery, right?
• That same night (Saturday, day after Halloween) I went with Bubbas to see all dem peoples in Tuskalooska, and well, that was fun, at first, but then well, we ALL know how that went down.
• I am now declaring myself as a binge drinker, when I do drink, and I do not trust myself or Hell even Bubbas. The night was fun, but it ended with me being very very upset as it always does when I drink that much.
• Hung out with Liz, loved it.
• Hung out with Ben, loved it.
• Zack and Bubbas had to carry me to the car.

And this is where this post really starts:

Well I have been having a hard time realizing that things with Nathan and I are perfect (I'm not bragging, merely explaining myself and or actions that need to be explained.) And well, Saturday night was a real eye opener for me, not only did Nathan go with me to the party (he hates parties, we all know this) but he tolerated me drinking, annoying biker boys with their butts hanging out, and my emotional (drunken) outrage/breakdown...this ALWAYS happens when I drink hard liquor. Well I couldn't even walk, and I know that scared him, I know he won't admit it but you know that's just him. But I guess knowing he gets worried makes me feel even more secure with our relationship, anyways...He and Zack had to carry me to the car, I passed out, and I honestly do not remember anything from that night post going to Liz's apartment, I do remember embarrassing Sammi, whoops, and goofing off with Morgan (as always). Well anyways, I blacked out (by this I mean I do not remember anything from there to here) after that, and then I came to on the balcony, to being very upset, blah. Anyways, it all came down to me getting home, being insanely drunk STILL on Sunday, and realizing that Nathan will always take care of me, and be there for me. I'm honestly blessed, I really am.

I don't really have anything else to say except for maybe this is the funniest picture I've seen in a long ass time: