Beanhole

So.

I'm sitting here.

(Samantha!!!)

At THE Beanhole.

And I'm starting to think really hard about this.

By this of course I mean school and where it takes me, I guess.

I really don't know. But here's the play by play.

('Cause I know that's what you all want to know/hear, duuuuh.)

Well my future has always been a little bit grainy to me, but as I sit here at Beanhole and aimlessly type away on my computer, I got to thinking. Where do I want to be in 5 years, 10 years, hell even 20, years. I came up with the perfect answer...I.DON'T.KNOW. It's almost like I don't care, and it's so vague to say it, but thus is life. I hate to be redundant, but obviously this is all that's on my mind. I can't get over the fact that I'm an adult, 23, and still living at home, with rules to abide by, with a curfew, with parents that still have to know my every move (not literally, but just go with me here). It's gotten on my nerves in the past, and I "rebelled", but for some reason here lately I haven't cared about my "life" (social, work, family) near as much as I should. I feel bad, but I need to grow up, and having my father file my taxes with his, or fill up my gas tank (all of which is nice, but...) is no way to grow up. I'm supposed to have hardships, I'm supposed to get (actually) stressed out, not just stressed for five minutes only to have my mom say "Don't worry about it, Daddy and I can fix it." Whoop-de-do...Some consider me spoiled, and believe me I am, but not to an extravagant extent, just by them buying me clothes when I need something new or nice, giving me money (when I need it) whenever I ask, paying half of my phone bill, paying for school, a new car, et cetera, et cetera. But this isn't the life of a 23 year old, this is the life of a child. Whether or not I pass or fail a class shouldn't determine if Mommy and Daddy are going to give me $100 after finals, it should determine where my life is headed. Sadly it's taken me this long (four and a half years) to realize that school is for my life.

It drives me crazy to think that I've taken school for granted, there are so many people who can't afford school, who can't get the grades for a good school, and yet have to settle for much less, all because they don't have Mommy and Daddy to back them up. Now don't get me wrong, I like the fact that my parents have money to spare, but I don't like the fact that it's used to control my future. If I want to go to school and major in art, then so be it. If I want to major in english, then so be it. But instead, for some reason I've always leaned towards a higher education, a better major. Which, unfortunately by my family's standards, will give me a better, happier life. Why you may ask? Because of money. Now I'm not one to complain about it, since I have my parents giving me plenty, but I don't care about money. Not because of said supply, but because it is absolutely the most evil thing in the world. What else do you know of that has the effect on society and the world? Nothing does. (Okay, okay, this day and age gas does, but just go with me, alright?)...Sorry for that little tangent...just had to get my point across. Anyways, what I'm getting at is that I don't exactly care to do something that's going to bring in the big bucks. If I want to major in social work, and work for a non-profit organization for three-legged cats, then I will. But instead I've had this battle going on inside me for a while...Do I do something that will make my happiness second to my income, or will I make myself happy, and make something of myself, FOR myself, and then get money for it? You see where I'm going?

I don't know what I want to do. I like doing SO so much. I enjoy so many different subjects, but I don't know where my drive is. I don't know where my life is taking me, simply because I don't know what my actual major is. I feel so pathetic. There are people who graduated high school 2-3 years after me...and now they're graduating from college before me. But are those people any better or driven or confident in their lives than I am? I don't know. I mean maybe there are a lot of people like me out there. Maybe I'll be 40 before I realize where I want to be in life. But I need to know where to go with school before then, ahhh! It feels like an endless cycle. I really feel trapped. By money, by my parents, by school...I just don't know what I want anymore. I know who I want, I know where I want to live, I know the color of the damn kitchen I want...But why and how can I know this, but not what job I want. Or what I want a silly major to be? Sigh...I feel hopeless. I like school, infact I love school. It used to be the bane of my existence, but now, instead it's an open field for me to frolic in...::Insert "The Hills Are Alive" sung by Julie Andrews::.

I don't know how often I can make a post about this, but that obviously means I'm having a problem somewhere along the line...Why is it that I just can't make up my mind?