Beanhole

So.

I'm sitting here.

(Samantha!!!)

At THE Beanhole.

And I'm starting to think really hard about this.

By this of course I mean school and where it takes me, I guess.

I really don't know. But here's the play by play.

('Cause I know that's what you all want to know/hear, duuuuh.)

Well my future has always been a little bit grainy to me, but as I sit here at Beanhole and aimlessly type away on my computer, I got to thinking. Where do I want to be in 5 years, 10 years, hell even 20, years. I came up with the perfect answer...I.DON'T.KNOW. It's almost like I don't care, and it's so vague to say it, but thus is life. I hate to be redundant, but obviously this is all that's on my mind. I can't get over the fact that I'm an adult, 23, and still living at home, with rules to abide by, with a curfew, with parents that still have to know my every move (not literally, but just go with me here). It's gotten on my nerves in the past, and I "rebelled", but for some reason here lately I haven't cared about my "life" (social, work, family) near as much as I should. I feel bad, but I need to grow up, and having my father file my taxes with his, or fill up my gas tank (all of which is nice, but...) is no way to grow up. I'm supposed to have hardships, I'm supposed to get (actually) stressed out, not just stressed for five minutes only to have my mom say "Don't worry about it, Daddy and I can fix it." Whoop-de-do...Some consider me spoiled, and believe me I am, but not to an extravagant extent, just by them buying me clothes when I need something new or nice, giving me money (when I need it) whenever I ask, paying half of my phone bill, paying for school, a new car, et cetera, et cetera. But this isn't the life of a 23 year old, this is the life of a child. Whether or not I pass or fail a class shouldn't determine if Mommy and Daddy are going to give me $100 after finals, it should determine where my life is headed. Sadly it's taken me this long (four and a half years) to realize that school is for my life.

It drives me crazy to think that I've taken school for granted, there are so many people who can't afford school, who can't get the grades for a good school, and yet have to settle for much less, all because they don't have Mommy and Daddy to back them up. Now don't get me wrong, I like the fact that my parents have money to spare, but I don't like the fact that it's used to control my future. If I want to go to school and major in art, then so be it. If I want to major in english, then so be it. But instead, for some reason I've always leaned towards a higher education, a better major. Which, unfortunately by my family's standards, will give me a better, happier life. Why you may ask? Because of money. Now I'm not one to complain about it, since I have my parents giving me plenty, but I don't care about money. Not because of said supply, but because it is absolutely the most evil thing in the world. What else do you know of that has the effect on society and the world? Nothing does. (Okay, okay, this day and age gas does, but just go with me, alright?)...Sorry for that little tangent...just had to get my point across. Anyways, what I'm getting at is that I don't exactly care to do something that's going to bring in the big bucks. If I want to major in social work, and work for a non-profit organization for three-legged cats, then I will. But instead I've had this battle going on inside me for a while...Do I do something that will make my happiness second to my income, or will I make myself happy, and make something of myself, FOR myself, and then get money for it? You see where I'm going?

I don't know what I want to do. I like doing SO so much. I enjoy so many different subjects, but I don't know where my drive is. I don't know where my life is taking me, simply because I don't know what my actual major is. I feel so pathetic. There are people who graduated high school 2-3 years after me...and now they're graduating from college before me. But are those people any better or driven or confident in their lives than I am? I don't know. I mean maybe there are a lot of people like me out there. Maybe I'll be 40 before I realize where I want to be in life. But I need to know where to go with school before then, ahhh! It feels like an endless cycle. I really feel trapped. By money, by my parents, by school...I just don't know what I want anymore. I know who I want, I know where I want to live, I know the color of the damn kitchen I want...But why and how can I know this, but not what job I want. Or what I want a silly major to be? Sigh...I feel hopeless. I like school, infact I love school. It used to be the bane of my existence, but now, instead it's an open field for me to frolic in...::Insert "The Hills Are Alive" sung by Julie Andrews::.

I don't know how often I can make a post about this, but that obviously means I'm having a problem somewhere along the line...Why is it that I just can't make up my mind?

Be mine '09…

It’s the start of a new year & I am so excited!

2008 was a tough year.

But it’s the tough times that make you grow stronger as a person. 

So for the first week of 2009, I came up with a resolution each day that I would follow for the year.

Here goes:

1. Stay Positive

-I want to surround myself with positive & influential people. 

2. Rekindle old friendships

-Whenever I think about a funny moment in my past, it has always had something to do with my friends from high school. During the last year, I’ve realized that I've lost touch with a lot of those people. I want to change that.

3. Meet new people

-I would really like to meet new people…people with substance & people who have dreams & aspirations.

4. Road Trip/Travel

-Enough said. 

5. Be healthy

-Sleep, sleep, sleep. I am a struggling insomniac. I sometimes feel as though there aren’t enough hours in the day.

6. Do one new thing each week

-Life gets a bit repetitive sometimes. Remember when you were a child & you went places or did things for the first time? & how exciting that was… 

&& last but not least...

7. Actually work hard in school

-I'm going to make all A's this semester, & nobody can stop me, not even you Edward Cullen, I mean Nathan.

&& here's a list for your viewing pleasure...

1. My name is Jennifer Kate, & I’m a lunatic & a lover.
---1. a. Also known as: Kate, JKate, Jenn, Jen-Jen, Katerbug(d)...et cetera.
---1. b. Literally, I'm insane, nuts, psycho, whatever you want to call me.
2. I am awkward, quirky, silly, shy, outgoing, optimistic, obsessive, & anal about everything.
3. I have a tendency to overreact about things that involve myself emotionally.
---3. a. such as: my boyfriend, family, or closest friends.
4. I am severely ADD, but I don’t take medicine for it.
5. I can count on two hands the people that I trust the most, know me the best, & love me the most.
6. I have a past; there are things that I’ve done that I’m not proud of, these things have made me who I am today.
7. I do not worry about the acceptance of others for gain, only those who have grown to know who I am.
8. I am one with Christ, I see things through Him. I trip, I fall, Lord knows I stumble.
---8. a. He is the make of all things beautiful, & I see Him in everything I do.
---8. b. To know that you have an unconditional love from somebody is the most exhilarating, exonerating, intense feeling you’ll ever have.

---8. c. I have not witnessed to anybody that I know of, but hopefully one of these days I will.
9. I’m in school, for what, I don’t really know.
10. I work at Cache at the Riverchase Galleria, and it is the best job in the world. Get jealous.
11. My boyfriend, Nathan, is one of the most stable & important things in my life.
---11. a. We’re two peas in a pod, two of a kind, whatever you want to call it,
you just can’t get one of us without the other.
---11. b. I love him, what can I say, we’ve made it this far, right?
---11. c. He does me right, he treats me well, there's really nobody else that could replace him.
He's my knight in shining armor, he's saved me from myself. I thank God for him every day.
12. I love cats.
13. & yes, just like every other girl in the world, I am in love with Edward Cullen (& Robert Pattinson)...duh!
14. I've lost many friends due to my irrational decisions, & I'm setting out to rekindle old friendships,
& mend great things I had in the past. If you get freaked out by that, whoops!
15. I like clothes, shoes, make up, and being a girl, but at the same time I absolutely hate being one...make sense?
16. I work in a store for vain, egotistical women, & I love it.
17. I like nearly every genre of music, fill me in.
18. I absolutely hate scary movies, with a passion, evil does exist in this world, and I am not going to tamper with it.
19. Major weight-loss can change an individual, and their outlook on life, all for the better, and a little for the worse.
20. I am absolutely convinced that my father does not like me, he may love me, but there is a large difference..
---20. a. That being said, my father is by far my best/worst critic, so when I disappoint him, I actually care.

Long time, kinda...?

Well, the title obviously tells what's up.

BUT andywayz, things have been pretty great lately:

+ School's alright.

+ Boyfriend's perfect.

+ Parent's are ehhhh.

+ Brother FINALLY moved out!! (zomgwtf!?!)

+ Hanson concert was UH-mazin'!

+ Boyfriend's perfect.

+ Saw Daniel this weekend!

+ Going to make a trip to see Samantha soon!

+ Holiday hours at Cache!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now the cons...:

- School's alright in the fact that I don't really know how I'm doing in Mass Comms

- I have no idea where my life's headed.

- My dad continues to make me feel stupid, even though he's the idiot.

- I really cannot stand negative people, their attitudes and personalities rub off on me, and I turn into this really negative Jennifer, and people notice, and call me out on it, and I hate it.

- My pumpkin doesn't look like Hellboy :(  --

All of that aside (impossible, I know) I couldn't ask for anything more. I'm going to Tuscaloosa this Friday for Morgan's infamous Halloween party...zomg. Don't really know if I'm going to dress up or not, just really don't have the urge to like I did two weeks ago, but oh weeeeeell. I carved a pumpkin (with Bubbas) all by myself, FREEHANDED, cause I'm rad like that. And it turned out, amazing.

I know this is going to get a reaction when I say this but I think that Obama will be the end of the USA. I'm really starting to see why he's scary to a lot of people. THAT being said, I don't really like McCain either, but I believe he's the lesser of two evils. Maybe that's because my dad makes a lot of money, or maybe it's because I'm in a military family, or maybe it's cause I have morals and values, I mean wtf who knows?

Sigh, back to school we go!

future

I don't know exactly what to say about it, ever really. Sometimes I just feel like everything's perfect, sometimes I don't. I guess it's just the indecisive girl in me, or maybe it's just the uncertainty of life in general. But then I never know what is going on in m life, so therefore I feel like I don't have to worry about it. Which is, shall I say, pathetic and very immature of me. I really worry about where I'm headed, and it gets really overwhelming. Really I worry about everything, which is even more overwhelming. I don't even agree with my own decisions! It's silly. But enough about my inner-workings, let's talk about happy tiiiimes...

 

Like I said, I don't know where anything in my life is going, and sometimes I really wonder if my decisions are right, or if everything will pan out the way I want it to. But there's no way to test that, without experimenting...so I guess I will! Love is something that is always ever present in my life, whether it's from my parents, God, a boyfriend, family, or pets. So when it's challenged by something or somebody I second guess myself. I hate doing this because:

1) I don't want to disappoint anybody.

2) I don't want to hurt somebody.

3) I don't want to challenge my future.

But like I said before, you never know...The only thing I can depend on is that my decision making process won't ruin my future. But things happen for a reason. That is honestly what I live by. So if things aren't meant to be, whether it's now or ever, then so be it. But I don't think I can live with that, but I will try my hardest to learn from it.

That being said, school is something that's gearing me up to find the rest of my life. To be able to work two years, jump back into school (no problem), graduate, and find a job right after graduation would be incredible. I doubt it'll happen that way, but how righteous would that be?! That being said, I am needing to get a part time job, I just don't know where. I won't lie, I love love LOVE being able to have Friday through Sunday off, no worries. But I would love to be able to work again, mainly for a source of income. I need to do something with my time, for money, and for sanity, aaaand maybe for the stability of my family life....It's stressing me out, but I know it will work out fine, I just need to be more motivated about it.

Anyways, I'm going to the Birmingham Art Museum today! Get excited.

yada yada yada

Well, it's back to square one with my life. Which isn't exactly the worst thing to happen; it's actually rather nice to be back in school. Yet I feel a little out of the loop. I worked the past two years, so having a schedule that's not the exact same every day is wearing me out a little. I can say though, that I am honestly ready for this, I'm ready to grow up.

But enough about that let's talk fun. I have friends, very few that I consider good friends, maybe 7 or so, and well I haven't seen them in forever! It's starting to get to me a little, so much that I'm a little apprehensive about summer time. Because that's just when we all fall back into place. I just feel like I haven't been the friend I was before. That being said, it's all a phase that I see completely dissipating, which that being said, is very very relieving to me. So I'm sorry if I've been antisocial for the past 9-12 months, haha.

Even more fun, I'm going to get my hair done again in about 2 months, so, get excited, because it's going to be super blonde, but not platinum all over. Think Olsen Twin syndrome ;). Well, my stomach's acting up a little, and Supernatural (the best show in all the world) is about to come on. So with no further adieu. Ciao, cheerio, au revoir, adios, and farewell. Until next time!