Beanhole

So.

I'm sitting here.

(Samantha!!!)

At THE Beanhole.

And I'm starting to think really hard about this.

By this of course I mean school and where it takes me, I guess.

I really don't know. But here's the play by play.

('Cause I know that's what you all want to know/hear, duuuuh.)

Well my future has always been a little bit grainy to me, but as I sit here at Beanhole and aimlessly type away on my computer, I got to thinking. Where do I want to be in 5 years, 10 years, hell even 20, years. I came up with the perfect answer...I.DON'T.KNOW. It's almost like I don't care, and it's so vague to say it, but thus is life. I hate to be redundant, but obviously this is all that's on my mind. I can't get over the fact that I'm an adult, 23, and still living at home, with rules to abide by, with a curfew, with parents that still have to know my every move (not literally, but just go with me here). It's gotten on my nerves in the past, and I "rebelled", but for some reason here lately I haven't cared about my "life" (social, work, family) near as much as I should. I feel bad, but I need to grow up, and having my father file my taxes with his, or fill up my gas tank (all of which is nice, but...) is no way to grow up. I'm supposed to have hardships, I'm supposed to get (actually) stressed out, not just stressed for five minutes only to have my mom say "Don't worry about it, Daddy and I can fix it." Whoop-de-do...Some consider me spoiled, and believe me I am, but not to an extravagant extent, just by them buying me clothes when I need something new or nice, giving me money (when I need it) whenever I ask, paying half of my phone bill, paying for school, a new car, et cetera, et cetera. But this isn't the life of a 23 year old, this is the life of a child. Whether or not I pass or fail a class shouldn't determine if Mommy and Daddy are going to give me $100 after finals, it should determine where my life is headed. Sadly it's taken me this long (four and a half years) to realize that school is for my life.

It drives me crazy to think that I've taken school for granted, there are so many people who can't afford school, who can't get the grades for a good school, and yet have to settle for much less, all because they don't have Mommy and Daddy to back them up. Now don't get me wrong, I like the fact that my parents have money to spare, but I don't like the fact that it's used to control my future. If I want to go to school and major in art, then so be it. If I want to major in english, then so be it. But instead, for some reason I've always leaned towards a higher education, a better major. Which, unfortunately by my family's standards, will give me a better, happier life. Why you may ask? Because of money. Now I'm not one to complain about it, since I have my parents giving me plenty, but I don't care about money. Not because of said supply, but because it is absolutely the most evil thing in the world. What else do you know of that has the effect on society and the world? Nothing does. (Okay, okay, this day and age gas does, but just go with me, alright?)...Sorry for that little tangent...just had to get my point across. Anyways, what I'm getting at is that I don't exactly care to do something that's going to bring in the big bucks. If I want to major in social work, and work for a non-profit organization for three-legged cats, then I will. But instead I've had this battle going on inside me for a while...Do I do something that will make my happiness second to my income, or will I make myself happy, and make something of myself, FOR myself, and then get money for it? You see where I'm going?

I don't know what I want to do. I like doing SO so much. I enjoy so many different subjects, but I don't know where my drive is. I don't know where my life is taking me, simply because I don't know what my actual major is. I feel so pathetic. There are people who graduated high school 2-3 years after me...and now they're graduating from college before me. But are those people any better or driven or confident in their lives than I am? I don't know. I mean maybe there are a lot of people like me out there. Maybe I'll be 40 before I realize where I want to be in life. But I need to know where to go with school before then, ahhh! It feels like an endless cycle. I really feel trapped. By money, by my parents, by school...I just don't know what I want anymore. I know who I want, I know where I want to live, I know the color of the damn kitchen I want...But why and how can I know this, but not what job I want. Or what I want a silly major to be? Sigh...I feel hopeless. I like school, infact I love school. It used to be the bane of my existence, but now, instead it's an open field for me to frolic in...::Insert "The Hills Are Alive" sung by Julie Andrews::.

I don't know how often I can make a post about this, but that obviously means I'm having a problem somewhere along the line...Why is it that I just can't make up my mind?

great divide
Current mood:  amorous

Fact: You know sometimes there are people in our lives, ones that we'll never forget. These people have usually had a large impact in our lives, either good or bad. 

Fact: I don't know where I want to go, or what I want to do with my life, all I know is that it does in fact involve Nathan Carr. And that makes me the happiest self I've ever been.

Fact: I love school now.

Fact: I have never been so moved by lyrics in my life:
The earth is shaking under siege 
And every breath will meet its fate 
Still we hunger for a moment of freedom 
Even though the hour is late 

I find hope and it gives me rest 
I find hope in a beating chest 
I find hope in what eyes don't see 
I find hope in your hate for me 

Have no fear when the waters rise 
We can conquer this great divide 
This great divide

Fact: I totally "cyber-stalked" my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend (seeing that she didn't cause any problems again) through facebook and myspace for way too long, and, sadly just recently, gotten over her(??)


There's really no reason for this post, just to simply say hello again. Or hi. Or hey. Or yo, what's up? I miss my friends, but I guess at this stage of my life I'm set out to really find myself. I never got that chance when I was younger. So I didn't know I liked going out, I didn't know I was a shopaholic, I didn't realize that I enjoyed male company as much as I do. Whether it's for a relationship or simply because guys make better friends :-P

I'm so ready for life to pick up, I feel like I've been in school my whole life, even though I took 2 years off to work and "find myself". There was no lost and found during that time of my life. No great epiphanies, nothing of the sort. Instead it brought me a long rough road of pain, hatred, greed, envy, lust, and there's not telling what other deadly sins were committed. Truth be told I was not who I am. I don't regret any of the choices I've made in the past, at all; mainly because they have made me who I am today. I hope that since I am who I am, I can grow to become that person my parents know I can be.

I just hope they realize it's not easy, and it will take time. I mean, nobody's perfect, right?

Another random fact? I'm ready, I really am.

sigh...see what i mean?!

"my nights never feel right when i don't see you now...if I ever lost you, I'd be one miserable mother fucker."

and people wonder why I'm crazy about you?!

pfffft.

i loves you.

:D

My life, featuring you

I am completely and beyond confused about where  my life is headed.

I kind of know where I want it to go, but I don't, so I don't know!

Whoops!

Allz I know is that I think this semester is in for some shit.

4/5 classes with open book-take home tests......CHECK!

2 classes for my dietetics and nutrition major out of the way along with that......Check, again.

Carrots and ranch dressing....again, check that one off.

Becoming a brunette...FINALLY...GODDAMN CHECK.

I am so ready for something tonight.

Duh-damn.

Oh, by the way, I love Nathan.

You asshole.

Be mine '09…

It’s the start of a new year & I am so excited!

2008 was a tough year.

But it’s the tough times that make you grow stronger as a person. 

So for the first week of 2009, I came up with a resolution each day that I would follow for the year.

Here goes:

1. Stay Positive

-I want to surround myself with positive & influential people. 

2. Rekindle old friendships

-Whenever I think about a funny moment in my past, it has always had something to do with my friends from high school. During the last year, I’ve realized that I've lost touch with a lot of those people. I want to change that.

3. Meet new people

-I would really like to meet new people…people with substance & people who have dreams & aspirations.

4. Road Trip/Travel

-Enough said. 

5. Be healthy

-Sleep, sleep, sleep. I am a struggling insomniac. I sometimes feel as though there aren’t enough hours in the day.

6. Do one new thing each week

-Life gets a bit repetitive sometimes. Remember when you were a child & you went places or did things for the first time? & how exciting that was… 

&& last but not least...

7. Actually work hard in school

-I'm going to make all A's this semester, & nobody can stop me, not even you Edward Cullen, I mean Nathan.

&& here's a list for your viewing pleasure...

1. My name is Jennifer Kate, & I’m a lunatic & a lover.
---1. a. Also known as: Kate, JKate, Jenn, Jen-Jen, Katerbug(d)...et cetera.
---1. b. Literally, I'm insane, nuts, psycho, whatever you want to call me.
2. I am awkward, quirky, silly, shy, outgoing, optimistic, obsessive, & anal about everything.
3. I have a tendency to overreact about things that involve myself emotionally.
---3. a. such as: my boyfriend, family, or closest friends.
4. I am severely ADD, but I don’t take medicine for it.
5. I can count on two hands the people that I trust the most, know me the best, & love me the most.
6. I have a past; there are things that I’ve done that I’m not proud of, these things have made me who I am today.
7. I do not worry about the acceptance of others for gain, only those who have grown to know who I am.
8. I am one with Christ, I see things through Him. I trip, I fall, Lord knows I stumble.
---8. a. He is the make of all things beautiful, & I see Him in everything I do.
---8. b. To know that you have an unconditional love from somebody is the most exhilarating, exonerating, intense feeling you’ll ever have.

---8. c. I have not witnessed to anybody that I know of, but hopefully one of these days I will.
9. I’m in school, for what, I don’t really know.
10. I work at Cache at the Riverchase Galleria, and it is the best job in the world. Get jealous.
11. My boyfriend, Nathan, is one of the most stable & important things in my life.
---11. a. We’re two peas in a pod, two of a kind, whatever you want to call it,
you just can’t get one of us without the other.
---11. b. I love him, what can I say, we’ve made it this far, right?
---11. c. He does me right, he treats me well, there's really nobody else that could replace him.
He's my knight in shining armor, he's saved me from myself. I thank God for him every day.
12. I love cats.
13. & yes, just like every other girl in the world, I am in love with Edward Cullen (& Robert Pattinson)...duh!
14. I've lost many friends due to my irrational decisions, & I'm setting out to rekindle old friendships,
& mend great things I had in the past. If you get freaked out by that, whoops!
15. I like clothes, shoes, make up, and being a girl, but at the same time I absolutely hate being one...make sense?
16. I work in a store for vain, egotistical women, & I love it.
17. I like nearly every genre of music, fill me in.
18. I absolutely hate scary movies, with a passion, evil does exist in this world, and I am not going to tamper with it.
19. Major weight-loss can change an individual, and their outlook on life, all for the better, and a little for the worse.
20. I am absolutely convinced that my father does not like me, he may love me, but there is a large difference..
---20. a. That being said, my father is by far my best/worst critic, so when I disappoint him, I actually care.

everybody say

talk about a roller coaster, it's up and down and up and down, and this is repetitive, forgive me.

I know you're going to read this, so don't take any offense to it at all...

I'm a girl, so this is where my head is at at the moment.

I've been reading the Twilight series, and like every other girl in the world who has read it, or watched the movies, I've fallen in love with Edward, not in reality, but who his character is. I can only hope one day (forget about him being a vampire, and these books being complete and total fiction for this, please.) you'll understand how my brain works around this...Well I get emotionally involved with characters in books and movies, no matter what, I always connect somehow, or so my therapist says, well...reading somebody's story, one that's not mine, obviously, and finding that there's somebody out there who wrote from my brain about how I feel about you into their story is completely insane. But I realize that all girls feel like this about their first love. And that's what I consider you to be.

ANYWAYS, back to Edward.

He's the one every girl falls for, the most beautiful man you'd ever lay your eyes on, the one you're speechless around because you can't focus on your balance enough to catch yourself from tripping around him. Much less, he's the one who torments you and frustrates you, and makes you feel like you're the only one who matters. Even more less, he's the one who you know could break your heart (again in my life, as well as in the series) at any moment, so you cling to that hope, that suffering you had to go through, all in hopes that you never, ever have to relive that again. He's a fighter, a lover, he chases you, but no matter how irritating he can be when he acts so protective you know it's from the deepest softest part of his heart (he didn't have one though, cause he's a vampire, duh). But I know you don't understand what I'm getting to, and it's all really stupid anyway, but I hope you can kind of get it...

You're my Edward, you always will be, all I want to know is that no matter how stupid I am, no matter how different we are, that you'll never leave me. That you'll always claim me, you'll always protect me, and you'll love me for who I am no matter my past, no matter my future. Because I love you for all you are, that's all I want in return. I know this is probably completely unnecessary, but I can't help but feel this way.

When he leaves Bella in New Moon I lived her nightmare, I lived her fear, I lived it, in my own life. I lived through in again in the book, flashbacks of how empty I was, I might have gotten to see you or talk to you (she doesn't get that chance in the book, he just leaves, because "she deserves more, she deserves better, to be safe", and he's gone). Reliving that experience and those feelings through somebody else (even a fictional character in a completely fabricated story) is enough to take me back and feel like this all over again. I'm tormented almost every time I start reading because I feel everything, and I don't feel you sometimes, I guess. And so when I start reading, I feel like I feel you more. I know that's silly because you're there, but sometimes I just wonder if you're there like I am.

I'm not doubting us at all, I'm simply wanting to see passion, I know it's fairy tale for me to think that it'll come anywhere close to the series, but just knowing...just knowing that you'd fight for me, that you wouldn't back down because "it's not who you are". I want to see that. I know you're shy, I know you don't care about other people, I know you care about me in such a manner that some people think we're weirdos. But I know you love me, I just want to feel it.

Like I said, all I want is to know that I'm it. I don't want you to be silly about how much you love me, I want to see the passion behind it every now and then. It's just being a girl, I think, or maybe I'm neurotic. I don't know. I just know that if it came to it, I'd lay down my life for you, you are beyond the most important thing in my life. You are it. No matter how insane that sounds to other people, it's the truth, and I can't help it. You and I have been through a lot and there's a lot that we know about each other, we've been together almost three years, a feat neither of us have ever accomplished.

I really don't know exactly why I'm writing this, and it's completely silly when I think about comparing you to this character in this book, but it's true. Every girl wants a guy like that, sure, but not every girl finds him. I think I have, but I want to know I have. I don't want to have any doubts, not saying that I have any big ones, I guess it would make me feel a lot better about our relationship if I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you didn't even care about anybody else in the world (female of course, excluding family). That no matter what you'll always protect me, always watch over me, you'll be there til the end, and you'll love every minute of it, only because I was there with you through it all. There's really not much else to say, I've just been thinking about this the whole time I'm reading. Every time I pick one of these books up, I feel Edward, and I want to know it's you. So, that's where the dreams are coming from. :)

I love you.