too much to think about

life's changing, not exactly sure how i feel about it.

ting ting's concert april 2.

3 year anniversary april 3.

nathan's birthday may 5.

brittney's wedding may 9.

plastic surgeries may 11.

date you leave...?

currently anticipating the hardest day of my life.

i'm trying to control my insane emotions, it's just

not as easy as i thought it would be.

i smile because i want to be strong for you, because

i know it's hard for you too, but when the time comes

when you need me to smile the most, i just don't know

if i'll be able to do it.

i miss you already and i'm nearly dead inside thinking

about it all. i hope you love me like i love you, so we

both know that this will really work out.

already crying.

i'm fucking pathetic, i know.

Beanhole

So.

I'm sitting here.

(Samantha!!!)

At THE Beanhole.

And I'm starting to think really hard about this.

By this of course I mean school and where it takes me, I guess.

I really don't know. But here's the play by play.

('Cause I know that's what you all want to know/hear, duuuuh.)

Well my future has always been a little bit grainy to me, but as I sit here at Beanhole and aimlessly type away on my computer, I got to thinking. Where do I want to be in 5 years, 10 years, hell even 20, years. I came up with the perfect answer...I.DON'T.KNOW. It's almost like I don't care, and it's so vague to say it, but thus is life. I hate to be redundant, but obviously this is all that's on my mind. I can't get over the fact that I'm an adult, 23, and still living at home, with rules to abide by, with a curfew, with parents that still have to know my every move (not literally, but just go with me here). It's gotten on my nerves in the past, and I "rebelled", but for some reason here lately I haven't cared about my "life" (social, work, family) near as much as I should. I feel bad, but I need to grow up, and having my father file my taxes with his, or fill up my gas tank (all of which is nice, but...) is no way to grow up. I'm supposed to have hardships, I'm supposed to get (actually) stressed out, not just stressed for five minutes only to have my mom say "Don't worry about it, Daddy and I can fix it." Whoop-de-do...Some consider me spoiled, and believe me I am, but not to an extravagant extent, just by them buying me clothes when I need something new or nice, giving me money (when I need it) whenever I ask, paying half of my phone bill, paying for school, a new car, et cetera, et cetera. But this isn't the life of a 23 year old, this is the life of a child. Whether or not I pass or fail a class shouldn't determine if Mommy and Daddy are going to give me $100 after finals, it should determine where my life is headed. Sadly it's taken me this long (four and a half years) to realize that school is for my life.

It drives me crazy to think that I've taken school for granted, there are so many people who can't afford school, who can't get the grades for a good school, and yet have to settle for much less, all because they don't have Mommy and Daddy to back them up. Now don't get me wrong, I like the fact that my parents have money to spare, but I don't like the fact that it's used to control my future. If I want to go to school and major in art, then so be it. If I want to major in english, then so be it. But instead, for some reason I've always leaned towards a higher education, a better major. Which, unfortunately by my family's standards, will give me a better, happier life. Why you may ask? Because of money. Now I'm not one to complain about it, since I have my parents giving me plenty, but I don't care about money. Not because of said supply, but because it is absolutely the most evil thing in the world. What else do you know of that has the effect on society and the world? Nothing does. (Okay, okay, this day and age gas does, but just go with me, alright?)...Sorry for that little tangent...just had to get my point across. Anyways, what I'm getting at is that I don't exactly care to do something that's going to bring in the big bucks. If I want to major in social work, and work for a non-profit organization for three-legged cats, then I will. But instead I've had this battle going on inside me for a while...Do I do something that will make my happiness second to my income, or will I make myself happy, and make something of myself, FOR myself, and then get money for it? You see where I'm going?

I don't know what I want to do. I like doing SO so much. I enjoy so many different subjects, but I don't know where my drive is. I don't know where my life is taking me, simply because I don't know what my actual major is. I feel so pathetic. There are people who graduated high school 2-3 years after me...and now they're graduating from college before me. But are those people any better or driven or confident in their lives than I am? I don't know. I mean maybe there are a lot of people like me out there. Maybe I'll be 40 before I realize where I want to be in life. But I need to know where to go with school before then, ahhh! It feels like an endless cycle. I really feel trapped. By money, by my parents, by school...I just don't know what I want anymore. I know who I want, I know where I want to live, I know the color of the damn kitchen I want...But why and how can I know this, but not what job I want. Or what I want a silly major to be? Sigh...I feel hopeless. I like school, infact I love school. It used to be the bane of my existence, but now, instead it's an open field for me to frolic in...::Insert "The Hills Are Alive" sung by Julie Andrews::.

I don't know how often I can make a post about this, but that obviously means I'm having a problem somewhere along the line...Why is it that I just can't make up my mind?

great divide
Current mood:  amorous

Fact: You know sometimes there are people in our lives, ones that we'll never forget. These people have usually had a large impact in our lives, either good or bad. 

Fact: I don't know where I want to go, or what I want to do with my life, all I know is that it does in fact involve Nathan Carr. And that makes me the happiest self I've ever been.

Fact: I love school now.

Fact: I have never been so moved by lyrics in my life:
The earth is shaking under siege 
And every breath will meet its fate 
Still we hunger for a moment of freedom 
Even though the hour is late 

I find hope and it gives me rest 
I find hope in a beating chest 
I find hope in what eyes don't see 
I find hope in your hate for me 

Have no fear when the waters rise 
We can conquer this great divide 
This great divide

Fact: I totally "cyber-stalked" my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend (seeing that she didn't cause any problems again) through facebook and myspace for way too long, and, sadly just recently, gotten over her(??)


There's really no reason for this post, just to simply say hello again. Or hi. Or hey. Or yo, what's up? I miss my friends, but I guess at this stage of my life I'm set out to really find myself. I never got that chance when I was younger. So I didn't know I liked going out, I didn't know I was a shopaholic, I didn't realize that I enjoyed male company as much as I do. Whether it's for a relationship or simply because guys make better friends :-P

I'm so ready for life to pick up, I feel like I've been in school my whole life, even though I took 2 years off to work and "find myself". There was no lost and found during that time of my life. No great epiphanies, nothing of the sort. Instead it brought me a long rough road of pain, hatred, greed, envy, lust, and there's not telling what other deadly sins were committed. Truth be told I was not who I am. I don't regret any of the choices I've made in the past, at all; mainly because they have made me who I am today. I hope that since I am who I am, I can grow to become that person my parents know I can be.

I just hope they realize it's not easy, and it will take time. I mean, nobody's perfect, right?

Another random fact? I'm ready, I really am.

sigh...see what i mean?!

"my nights never feel right when i don't see you now...if I ever lost you, I'd be one miserable mother fucker."

and people wonder why I'm crazy about you?!

pfffft.

i loves you.

:D

My life, featuring you

I am completely and beyond confused about where  my life is headed.

I kind of know where I want it to go, but I don't, so I don't know!

Whoops!

Allz I know is that I think this semester is in for some shit.

4/5 classes with open book-take home tests......CHECK!

2 classes for my dietetics and nutrition major out of the way along with that......Check, again.

Carrots and ranch dressing....again, check that one off.

Becoming a brunette...FINALLY...GODDAMN CHECK.

I am so ready for something tonight.

Duh-damn.

Oh, by the way, I love Nathan.

You asshole.

Be mine '09…

It’s the start of a new year & I am so excited!

2008 was a tough year.

But it’s the tough times that make you grow stronger as a person. 

So for the first week of 2009, I came up with a resolution each day that I would follow for the year.

Here goes:

1. Stay Positive

-I want to surround myself with positive & influential people. 

2. Rekindle old friendships

-Whenever I think about a funny moment in my past, it has always had something to do with my friends from high school. During the last year, I’ve realized that I've lost touch with a lot of those people. I want to change that.

3. Meet new people

-I would really like to meet new people…people with substance & people who have dreams & aspirations.

4. Road Trip/Travel

-Enough said. 

5. Be healthy

-Sleep, sleep, sleep. I am a struggling insomniac. I sometimes feel as though there aren’t enough hours in the day.

6. Do one new thing each week

-Life gets a bit repetitive sometimes. Remember when you were a child & you went places or did things for the first time? & how exciting that was… 

&& last but not least...

7. Actually work hard in school

-I'm going to make all A's this semester, & nobody can stop me, not even you Edward Cullen, I mean Nathan.

&& here's a list for your viewing pleasure...

1. My name is Jennifer Kate, & I’m a lunatic & a lover.
---1. a. Also known as: Kate, JKate, Jenn, Jen-Jen, Katerbug(d)...et cetera.
---1. b. Literally, I'm insane, nuts, psycho, whatever you want to call me.
2. I am awkward, quirky, silly, shy, outgoing, optimistic, obsessive, & anal about everything.
3. I have a tendency to overreact about things that involve myself emotionally.
---3. a. such as: my boyfriend, family, or closest friends.
4. I am severely ADD, but I don’t take medicine for it.
5. I can count on two hands the people that I trust the most, know me the best, & love me the most.
6. I have a past; there are things that I’ve done that I’m not proud of, these things have made me who I am today.
7. I do not worry about the acceptance of others for gain, only those who have grown to know who I am.
8. I am one with Christ, I see things through Him. I trip, I fall, Lord knows I stumble.
---8. a. He is the make of all things beautiful, & I see Him in everything I do.
---8. b. To know that you have an unconditional love from somebody is the most exhilarating, exonerating, intense feeling you’ll ever have.

---8. c. I have not witnessed to anybody that I know of, but hopefully one of these days I will.
9. I’m in school, for what, I don’t really know.
10. I work at Cache at the Riverchase Galleria, and it is the best job in the world. Get jealous.
11. My boyfriend, Nathan, is one of the most stable & important things in my life.
---11. a. We’re two peas in a pod, two of a kind, whatever you want to call it,
you just can’t get one of us without the other.
---11. b. I love him, what can I say, we’ve made it this far, right?
---11. c. He does me right, he treats me well, there's really nobody else that could replace him.
He's my knight in shining armor, he's saved me from myself. I thank God for him every day.
12. I love cats.
13. & yes, just like every other girl in the world, I am in love with Edward Cullen (& Robert Pattinson)...duh!
14. I've lost many friends due to my irrational decisions, & I'm setting out to rekindle old friendships,
& mend great things I had in the past. If you get freaked out by that, whoops!
15. I like clothes, shoes, make up, and being a girl, but at the same time I absolutely hate being one...make sense?
16. I work in a store for vain, egotistical women, & I love it.
17. I like nearly every genre of music, fill me in.
18. I absolutely hate scary movies, with a passion, evil does exist in this world, and I am not going to tamper with it.
19. Major weight-loss can change an individual, and their outlook on life, all for the better, and a little for the worse.
20. I am absolutely convinced that my father does not like me, he may love me, but there is a large difference..
---20. a. That being said, my father is by far my best/worst critic, so when I disappoint him, I actually care.

everybody say