the verdict is in

it's really just the simple things in life that make me happy.

srsly.

last niiiight

Sometimes it's hard enough to admit when you're wrong, but it's even harder to know that you're wrong and hurting somebody you love so dearly. Starting at 11PM Saturday night until around 10PM Sunday night (last night), I was probably the worst I've ever been to you. It's a defense mechanism for me to just throw things out in the open. I didn't have anybody to spar with all weekend except for you, and I took every annoyance of my life out on you. And I know I shouldn't have, and I know how many mean things I said, and how much stuff I brought up. But fact of the matter is I think I did it subconsciously as a test to see if you thought I was worth it. How stupid is that?

But last night, when I came over to your apartment, and all you did was spread your arms for me, that made me feel so loved. And I can't tell you how awful feel again, or tell you how sorry I am for what I said and did. But treating you like I did yesterday was completely uncalled for, and just plain mean. I'm sorry and I don't know how I'll ever really make it up to you, but I hope you know that it just happens sometimes, that I never really mean what I say when I say it out of anger. Just please accept my apology, even though I know you have already. I love you more than anything or anybody that I know. And I know that you're it. I love knowing that.

So...I love you, I'm sorry for my mood swings, I hope it doesn't change things between us, and I'll see you when you get off work today. Words cannot even begin to express what I feel for you, you're all I have.

<3 these things

Do you miss the way thing​s used to be?

yeah, I do, but things happen.

What did you do today​?​​​​​

hmm...cried, argued, bitched, complained, PMS'd, cried some more, slept, ate a little

Would​ you ever live with anyon​e on your top frien​ds?​​​​​

heck yeah.

Do you miss anyon​e?​​​​​​​

yes.

Your curre​nt relat​ionsh​ip statu​s?​​​​​​​

in an arguement.​

What do you do when you'​re angry​?​​​​​​​ Do you think​ you contr​ol it well?​​​​​​​

i cry, i argue, i do what i'm doing now.​

Have you ever liked​ someb​ody and never​ told them?​​

it came out eventually.

Have you ever cried​ over someo​ne of the oppos​ite sex?

all.fucking.day.

Are you over your past?​​​​​​​

mine, yes, yours, no, sorry​.​

Do you plan on movin​g withi​n the next year?​​​​​​​

hopef​ully.​

Do you belie​ve in true love?​​​​​​​

yes and that it has flaws.​

Is there​ someo​ne you wish you were still​ close​ with?​​​​​​​

yep.

When was the last time you talke​d to your numbe​r 2?

it's been a minute.​

Have you fixed​ frien​dship​s with anyon​e latel​y?​​​​​​​

trying to right now

Do you curre​ntly hate someo​ne?​​​​​​​

SUCH a good word for it.

What are you excit​ed about​?​​

nothing sadly.

Do you prefe​r short​ or long haire​d girls​/​​​​​​​boys?​​​​

short, plz​.​ 

Do you even KNOW how to do the laund​ry?​​​​​​​

better than your mom.

Who'​​​​​​​s the last perso​n that told you they loved​ you?

nathan.​

Do you ever think​ "​​​​​​​what if" about​ anyth​ing?​​​​​​​

always will.

Do you have regre​ts?​​

i wish today had never happened, actually last night from about 10 to now.

Are you tired​ now?

exhausted is the word.

Do you miss someo​ne so much it makes​ you sad?

that describes today to a "T".​

What are you cravi​ng right​ now?

clarity, to finish this paper, affection, and reassurance, oh and some foods.

Do you think​ two peopl​e can last forev​er?​​​​​​​

indefin​itely​.​

Had a verba​l fight​ in the last month​?​​​​​

that's all that today has been, actually.​

If you were mad would​ you tell your boyfr​iend/​​​​​​​girlf​riend​?​​

that's a given.

Ever been heart​ broke​n more then once by the same perso​n?​​​​​​​

hahahahahahahahaha yeah.​

Are you scare​d more of getti​ng hurt emoti​onall​y or physi​cally​?​

i've learned both ways, and i'd say emoti​onall​y; you can build yourself back up from physical pain.​

Do you think​ your first​ love affec​ts the way you go on with life?​​​​​​​

it can, but only if you thrive off of it like an idiot.

now that that's over

plz to has?

Feelings:

I don't has dem (apparently).

I know no harm is supposed to come from fights, especially when they're pointless and PMS driven, but in all reality, everything that's said sticks with me. I hate that part of me mainly because I don't hold grudges, I really don't. But when you can't take control of a situation without calling me names, no matter how harmless or fun-loving they might be, they drill into my core. They always have, my entire life it's happened. It's not something I can control easily.

I never think that I'm not special, or important, but it doesn't show at all when things like this happen. I love being vague, btw. I want to be swept off my feet, not thrown in the dirt. Like I said, this doesn't happen often, but when it does it puts me in a rut, for days. And I can't help that. I just hope you realize what you do everytime you do this. I stick by my word, but I also know when it's enough, and when I need to get out.

You know that's not what I meant, but if you would talk to me then maybe we could talk about what I did mean.

So with that said, I want this dress:

it's time

for me to get over this.

for me to do something about this.

for me to worry about myself.

♥

future

I don't know exactly what to say about it, ever really. Sometimes I just feel like everything's perfect, sometimes I don't. I guess it's just the indecisive girl in me, or maybe it's just the uncertainty of life in general. But then I never know what is going on in m life, so therefore I feel like I don't have to worry about it. Which is, shall I say, pathetic and very immature of me. I really worry about where I'm headed, and it gets really overwhelming. Really I worry about everything, which is even more overwhelming. I don't even agree with my own decisions! It's silly. But enough about my inner-workings, let's talk about happy tiiiimes...

 

Like I said, I don't know where anything in my life is going, and sometimes I really wonder if my decisions are right, or if everything will pan out the way I want it to. But there's no way to test that, without experimenting...so I guess I will! Love is something that is always ever present in my life, whether it's from my parents, God, a boyfriend, family, or pets. So when it's challenged by something or somebody I second guess myself. I hate doing this because:

1) I don't want to disappoint anybody.

2) I don't want to hurt somebody.

3) I don't want to challenge my future.

But like I said before, you never know...The only thing I can depend on is that my decision making process won't ruin my future. But things happen for a reason. That is honestly what I live by. So if things aren't meant to be, whether it's now or ever, then so be it. But I don't think I can live with that, but I will try my hardest to learn from it.

That being said, school is something that's gearing me up to find the rest of my life. To be able to work two years, jump back into school (no problem), graduate, and find a job right after graduation would be incredible. I doubt it'll happen that way, but how righteous would that be?! That being said, I am needing to get a part time job, I just don't know where. I won't lie, I love love LOVE being able to have Friday through Sunday off, no worries. But I would love to be able to work again, mainly for a source of income. I need to do something with my time, for money, and for sanity, aaaand maybe for the stability of my family life....It's stressing me out, but I know it will work out fine, I just need to be more motivated about it.

Anyways, I'm going to the Birmingham Art Museum today! Get excited.