everybody say

talk about a roller coaster, it's up and down and up and down, and this is repetitive, forgive me.

I know you're going to read this, so don't take any offense to it at all...

I'm a girl, so this is where my head is at at the moment.

I've been reading the Twilight series, and like every other girl in the world who has read it, or watched the movies, I've fallen in love with Edward, not in reality, but who his character is. I can only hope one day (forget about him being a vampire, and these books being complete and total fiction for this, please.) you'll understand how my brain works around this...Well I get emotionally involved with characters in books and movies, no matter what, I always connect somehow, or so my therapist says, well...reading somebody's story, one that's not mine, obviously, and finding that there's somebody out there who wrote from my brain about how I feel about you into their story is completely insane. But I realize that all girls feel like this about their first love. And that's what I consider you to be.

ANYWAYS, back to Edward.

He's the one every girl falls for, the most beautiful man you'd ever lay your eyes on, the one you're speechless around because you can't focus on your balance enough to catch yourself from tripping around him. Much less, he's the one who torments you and frustrates you, and makes you feel like you're the only one who matters. Even more less, he's the one who you know could break your heart (again in my life, as well as in the series) at any moment, so you cling to that hope, that suffering you had to go through, all in hopes that you never, ever have to relive that again. He's a fighter, a lover, he chases you, but no matter how irritating he can be when he acts so protective you know it's from the deepest softest part of his heart (he didn't have one though, cause he's a vampire, duh). But I know you don't understand what I'm getting to, and it's all really stupid anyway, but I hope you can kind of get it...

You're my Edward, you always will be, all I want to know is that no matter how stupid I am, no matter how different we are, that you'll never leave me. That you'll always claim me, you'll always protect me, and you'll love me for who I am no matter my past, no matter my future. Because I love you for all you are, that's all I want in return. I know this is probably completely unnecessary, but I can't help but feel this way.

When he leaves Bella in New Moon I lived her nightmare, I lived her fear, I lived it, in my own life. I lived through in again in the book, flashbacks of how empty I was, I might have gotten to see you or talk to you (she doesn't get that chance in the book, he just leaves, because "she deserves more, she deserves better, to be safe", and he's gone). Reliving that experience and those feelings through somebody else (even a fictional character in a completely fabricated story) is enough to take me back and feel like this all over again. I'm tormented almost every time I start reading because I feel everything, and I don't feel you sometimes, I guess. And so when I start reading, I feel like I feel you more. I know that's silly because you're there, but sometimes I just wonder if you're there like I am.

I'm not doubting us at all, I'm simply wanting to see passion, I know it's fairy tale for me to think that it'll come anywhere close to the series, but just knowing...just knowing that you'd fight for me, that you wouldn't back down because "it's not who you are". I want to see that. I know you're shy, I know you don't care about other people, I know you care about me in such a manner that some people think we're weirdos. But I know you love me, I just want to feel it.

Like I said, all I want is to know that I'm it. I don't want you to be silly about how much you love me, I want to see the passion behind it every now and then. It's just being a girl, I think, or maybe I'm neurotic. I don't know. I just know that if it came to it, I'd lay down my life for you, you are beyond the most important thing in my life. You are it. No matter how insane that sounds to other people, it's the truth, and I can't help it. You and I have been through a lot and there's a lot that we know about each other, we've been together almost three years, a feat neither of us have ever accomplished.

I really don't know exactly why I'm writing this, and it's completely silly when I think about comparing you to this character in this book, but it's true. Every girl wants a guy like that, sure, but not every girl finds him. I think I have, but I want to know I have. I don't want to have any doubts, not saying that I have any big ones, I guess it would make me feel a lot better about our relationship if I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you didn't even care about anybody else in the world (female of course, excluding family). That no matter what you'll always protect me, always watch over me, you'll be there til the end, and you'll love every minute of it, only because I was there with you through it all. There's really not much else to say, I've just been thinking about this the whole time I'm reading. Every time I pick one of these books up, I feel Edward, and I want to know it's you. So, that's where the dreams are coming from. :)

I love you.

j-j-j-jaaaded

The title of this blog has nothing to do with its subject...whatsoever.

Anyways, I've been in a reaaaal funk here lately, namely the past week or two. What makes it so hard to deal with is I don't know what's causing it. I don't know if I'm depressed (I was medicated, but the doctor's took me off, said I didn't need it, same thing for bpd). I wish I could just tell. There are days the past two weeks that I haven't even wanted to get out of bed, and I just start crying, wtf is that?? Blah oh well. Maybe it's the weather, school ending, and having a VERY limited part time job. I need something to do with my time other than ponder.

Any suggestions? ♥

Hey Nathan, Jax wants one....real bad real bad.

oh dear.... xposted to myspace and LJ as well

My dream last night....

It involved me going to get my haircut at this old salon I used to go to, but it was apparently located in my old dorm building in Montevallo. Well upon entering the salon, I recognized a few people from the news (namely McLovin [no shit], Seth Rogen [srsly], that REALLY ugle blonde girl from Dawson's Creek [wtf?????], and the main guy from Sarah Marshall), well they were burglars/murderers, and I acted all nonchalant and left the salon to "go grab my purse".

Well as I was rounding the building and going down the hill (running like lightening) I passed the office window of the salon, which is where the girl who used to cut my hair was sitting with her boss, and I banged on it to get them to get out because they were in danger.

So, they didn't hear me, and I got to my car, and of course, it wouldn't start, so I'm leaned over hiding in my car praying for it to start, and right as it starts (I'm parallel parked) McLovin (who is the leader) taps on my window, he apparently didn't know I was in the salon, and they had already done their business, he was really nice, he wanted me to take pictures for their myspace....?

Well, I was scared as hell they were going to kill me too, so I did just as they asked. Then before I knew it, I was hanging out with them, we were buddies, then Nathan showed up somehow, and I got all randy (in my dream). Well, after I had hung out with them, goofed off, gone to the store, and drank with them, I was like "Well, I gotta go!" and they let me leave! But Nathan was still in there, so I didn't leave until I talked to him all flirtatiously, but the bad guys didn't catch on that I had known him before all of this.

So to make a long story short, Nathan was going to leave after I did so we didn't look suspicious. And I get out to my car, and whoops, I forgot my camera, McLovin chased me down to my car and was handing it to me, he asked if he could keep it, and I LOL'd and said no it was too expensive, but I'd email him the pictures with a big ol' smile on muh face.

As I was pulling out of my new parallel parking spot, I see McLovin enter the salon/building again, and then it all just goes "BOOM!!!"...Nathan had built a bomb to save us, but he forgot about the timer when I was flirting with him. The fire department and police department and news crews all showed up, no bodies were found, and I was considered a survivor of the whole event. So I was in the spot light of the news unfortunately. And then at Nathan's funeral, as I was reading his eulogy, McLovin, who is all beaten up, broken, bloody, and stitched up, is sitting down a few rows back giving me the stink eye...And I get very nervous, because since I've been in the spot light he knows I know all about them...then I woke up.

yo yo yooooo

I have seashore.
And it's oh so fun.

So I'll be like Liz.
And make a funny picture.

I like burritos.



lol @ this crazy little bastard:

this is why my boyfriend roolz:

FO sho.





FO sho.
Even though he doesn't want to, he will...
muwahahahaha!!!!!

concentrate!

So I just left Nathan's apartment

(we'll call him Bubbas from now on so nobody gets confused)

and well I get home, can't sleep. This is the damn near zillionth time this has

happened and it's getting very VERY frustrating.

I guess maybe because I have morning classes,

and that just screws me up.

Obama...yay (& I am a republican)!

McCain...I loved you at first, but you threw me for a loop :\

(next election, maybe? ♥)

Things have been alright, here's a little recap of the last time I updated:

• Grey had a Halloween party on Halloween, it was tons of fun, of course, I got drunk, and was clearly the entertainment for most of the night.
• Woke up, went to the barn and cooked all day/afternoon for a birthday party, it was supposed to be 300+ people, but it was only 150 students and roughly 70 parents, not too shabby.
• I need iron and protein in my system, it's fucking me up more than ever right now, my diet's screwed up, but hey that's what I get for having surgery, right?
• That same night (Saturday, day after Halloween) I went with Bubbas to see all dem peoples in Tuskalooska, and well, that was fun, at first, but then well, we ALL know how that went down.
• I am now declaring myself as a binge drinker, when I do drink, and I do not trust myself or Hell even Bubbas. The night was fun, but it ended with me being very very upset as it always does when I drink that much.
• Hung out with Liz, loved it.
• Hung out with Ben, loved it.
• Zack and Bubbas had to carry me to the car.

And this is where this post really starts:

Well I have been having a hard time realizing that things with Nathan and I are perfect (I'm not bragging, merely explaining myself and or actions that need to be explained.) And well, Saturday night was a real eye opener for me, not only did Nathan go with me to the party (he hates parties, we all know this) but he tolerated me drinking, annoying biker boys with their butts hanging out, and my emotional (drunken) outrage/breakdown...this ALWAYS happens when I drink hard liquor. Well I couldn't even walk, and I know that scared him, I know he won't admit it but you know that's just him. But I guess knowing he gets worried makes me feel even more secure with our relationship, anyways...He and Zack had to carry me to the car, I passed out, and I honestly do not remember anything from that night post going to Liz's apartment, I do remember embarrassing Sammi, whoops, and goofing off with Morgan (as always). Well anyways, I blacked out (by this I mean I do not remember anything from there to here) after that, and then I came to on the balcony, to being very upset, blah. Anyways, it all came down to me getting home, being insanely drunk STILL on Sunday, and realizing that Nathan will always take care of me, and be there for me. I'm honestly blessed, I really am.

I don't really have anything else to say except for maybe this is the funniest picture I've seen in a long ass time:

TOLD you

Who should you vote for?

John McCain				42
Barack Obama	-30

You expected: John McCain
Your recommendation: John McCain

Party: Republican
Born: 1936, Coco Solo Air Base, Panama Canal Zone
Family: Married twice with seven children (two adopted)
Career: US Navy, Captain; Vice President of Public Relations, Anheuser-Busch beer distributorship.
Political career: US House of Representatives from Arizona's 1st congressional district, 1983-7; Incumbent Senior United States Senator from Arizona since 1987; former Chairman of the Senate Committee of Commerce and Senate Committee on Indian Affairs; Incumbent Ranking Minority Member of the Senate Committee on Armed Services
Hot topic: Iraq War
Did you know? Was a lightweight boxer in his youth
Supported by: Curt Schilling

Long time, kinda...?

Well, the title obviously tells what's up.

BUT andywayz, things have been pretty great lately:

+ School's alright.

+ Boyfriend's perfect.

+ Parent's are ehhhh.

+ Brother FINALLY moved out!! (zomgwtf!?!)

+ Hanson concert was UH-mazin'!

+ Boyfriend's perfect.

+ Saw Daniel this weekend!

+ Going to make a trip to see Samantha soon!

+ Holiday hours at Cache!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now the cons...:

- School's alright in the fact that I don't really know how I'm doing in Mass Comms

- I have no idea where my life's headed.

- My dad continues to make me feel stupid, even though he's the idiot.

- I really cannot stand negative people, their attitudes and personalities rub off on me, and I turn into this really negative Jennifer, and people notice, and call me out on it, and I hate it.

- My pumpkin doesn't look like Hellboy :(  --

All of that aside (impossible, I know) I couldn't ask for anything more. I'm going to Tuscaloosa this Friday for Morgan's infamous Halloween party...zomg. Don't really know if I'm going to dress up or not, just really don't have the urge to like I did two weeks ago, but oh weeeeeell. I carved a pumpkin (with Bubbas) all by myself, FREEHANDED, cause I'm rad like that. And it turned out, amazing.

I know this is going to get a reaction when I say this but I think that Obama will be the end of the USA. I'm really starting to see why he's scary to a lot of people. THAT being said, I don't really like McCain either, but I believe he's the lesser of two evils. Maybe that's because my dad makes a lot of money, or maybe it's because I'm in a military family, or maybe it's cause I have morals and values, I mean wtf who knows?

Sigh, back to school we go!

sometimes

You know sometimes when you make stupid decisions and you feel guilty, and you feel like an idiot, and then you take a step back and realize that there's nothing to worry about, and that you're not so much of an idiot? Well I feel like that for some reason. I don't really get why exactly, but I'm sure I'll know soon. Things have been going alright here lately, I'm really more so ready to just move on from all the stupidity that is myself. I know that's a hateful thing to say about one's self, but whatevski.

Fact of the matter is, is that I don't know anything. I don't really know myself as well as I thought I did, never thought it'd come to this, but it has. I kinda feel like I'm doing all the wrong things, and that's making matters worse for me. And I know a lot of that comes from not being myself anymore. I hate that the most about myself. I wish I could just be silly and carefree Jennifer again. But something inside me won't allow it. And that's starting to get VERY irritating. I miss my friends, all of them. Specifically those in Tuscaloosa, I feel a lot better about myself when I'm around them. Ben and Liz mainly.

Honestly, the others aren't really anything but matter now, I know that's awful but it's true. I've never really had friends that I thought would stand up for me no matter what, but Ben and Liz really are. Even though we don't see each other a lot, or talk a lot, it's still known that put either one beside me and not only will we have a good time, but we'll make sure everybody knows. I miss being social, yeah, but then on the other hand it's exhausting to me. I have this facade of a girl that I wear to make myself feel more confident. And we all know mixing alcohol in with that just maybe takes that girl a little over the edge.

That's the last thing I want to do is feel fake, or feel like I haven't shown my true-self. I sit here with my cellphone in hand and text people, and the one's who don't respond sadly I delete from my phone (terrible, blahblahblah) but hey, it makes me feel better at least. I just wish I had somebody closer to home, Grey's here, Jennifer's here, but Jennifer I never really get to see, actually ever, and when I do see her, it's brief (which pisses me off, not at her, but at the fact that that happens.). And when is it that I'll actually be able to visit everybody? I feel like such a bitch when I have to say "no, I can't this weekend, I don't have the money" or "nah, can't this time, sorry!". I mean what kind of friend am I? No wonder people don't respond to texts or calls.

I just feel worthless all over again, and it's all because of me. You didn't ask, but I did tell, so I'm voting for John McCain, if I vote at all. I dunno what to say now. I like banana smoothies, Grey makes good ones.

Ryan Star

We were only kids,

we ran like water.

Your dad said,

stay away from my daughter.

The sun was coming down when I said,

can't you just believe?

And if you wait for me,

I'll be the light in the dark if you lose your way.

And if you wait for me,

I'll be your voice when you don't know what to say.

I'll be your shelter,

I'll be your fate.

I'll be forever,

wait for me.

I'll be the last train,

I'll be the last train home.

never in my life...

did I think that it'd be like this.

that I'd fall so hard for somebody.

that they'd take me on a journey this long.

some of it hard.

some of it easy.

and never in a million years would I have said

"he's the one" about that guy you were that night.

but he we are, in all our glory.

you really have changed yourself.

and you've changed me.

I love you, no matter what, you get it...right?

:)

so i have this plan.

and this plan is going to sabotage my relationship with my parents

(most likely)

because it involves inking my body.

(same font)

on my wrist!!!

• It means "I have hope" in isiZulu or Zulu (a language spoken in southern Africa)
• YES, the inspiration is Hanson.
• I think I have found what I'm supposed to do. :)
• And yes I think that it is necessary.

To follow up on what I'm supposed to do, visit here!!

my boyfriend's better than yours (in general)

SO.

The Hanson concert was last night. (sososososo much fun!!!!!)

The Veronicas opened. (lesbian rock/screamo)

Before them was...whocaresreally? (they were geigh)

BUT I had such a good time!!!

And Nathan just had fun seeing me so happy.

:)

IlyB.

PROOF (courtesy of 103.7's website):

WE FOUND THE PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!

phew

& now, sillyness at its best.

pop pop

i lost my dad's only picture left of my grandfather and him together...

i feel like a waste of a child, all i had to do was get all of my dad's personal belongings from his personal office after his office caught on fire, and put it in a box, now i've misplaced the most special piece of family history i possibly could have.

way to go retard, way to go...

i'm sorry dad....

i just hope we find it....

it's true

omfg...srsly?

just so you know...

i love you.

srsly.

you know it's funny

i see pictures of other couples and i think...

"pfffft you ain't got shit on us!"

and i know i'm not the only girl who thinks that about her boyfriend,

but i just thought that was funny haha.

here comes the nerd in me...

ily4e!

this sounds familiar.

I once knew a girl

In the years of my youth

With eyes like the summer

All beauty and truth

In the morning I fled

Left a note and it read

Someday you will be loved.

and we all know how this'll end be forever

:)

told you i would! ;)

Liz'll love this...

OMFG IT'S ALREADY OCTOBER?!

i was trying to take a nap earlier...

but then i was rudely awakened by some guy flying a helicopter...

ABOVE MY HOUSE and culdesac, then he hovered OVER my house,

and i went outside in a tissy, and got all pissy,

and i flicked him off, and he flew away...

and then AND THEN like 10 minutes later HE CAME BACK!!i was so mad.

he was doing it for like 20-25 minutes...

i was like "i'mma call the cops".

This seriously happened, no it was not funny when it happened, because (while I was sleeping INSIDE MY HOUSE) it sounded like there were either 5 of them flying above our house (because the woods make them noises echo for real), or that they were right above my head.

It was so irritating.

• But I haven't had mass comms in a while, it's worrying me. But our test is in two weeks, and it's over three different chapters.
  
• Supernatural comes on tonight.
  
• My dad's going out of town.
  
• My face is healing.
  
• I'm losing weight because I haven't had an appetite in like 4 or 5 days...weird??
  
• Speaking of which, I really want that burrito that's at Nathan's house.
  
• And since he reads this at work, maybe I should post a giant va-jay-jay on here or something. (not really :-P)
• But with all of that being said, I'm at beanhole typing up notes for my entire history class, because I'm rad-core like that.
• About the aforementioned boyfriend, did you know he's perfect? I swear he is, I do!

 

another one, cause i can...

1. They are watch​ing TV.​​.​​.​What are they watch​ing?​

Alabama Football.

2. You'​​re out to eat...What kind of dress​ing do they get on their​ salad​?​​

Since he's going vegan, balsamic vinaigrette 

3. What'​​s one food this perso​n doesn​'​​t like?​​

UHNIONS.

4. You go out to the bar. He/​​she order​s.​​.​​.​​.​​.​​.​

He doesn't drink.

5. Where​ did he/​​she go to high schoo​l?​​

Hoover, Leeds, Thompson, etc.

6. What size shoe do they wear?​​

12...?

7. If this perso​n were to colle​ct anyth​ing,​​ it would​ be.​​.​​.​

NIN and photography stuff.​

8. What is their​ favor​ite type of sandw​ich?​​

I'll have to say pb&j.

9. This perso​n could​ eat _​​_​​_​​_​​_​​_​​ every​day.​

Pizza or rice.

10. Favor​ite cerea​l?​​

Smack's!

11. This perso​n would​n'​​t be caugh​t dead weari​ng?​​

Colors ;)

12. Favor​ite sport​s team?​​

Crimson Tide!

13. Who will he/​​she vote for?

Honestly, he probably won't.

14. What is their​ sign?​​

Taurus?

15. What is somet​hing you do that he/​​she wishe​s you didn'​​t?​​

I'll go with bitch and talk about my brother for $500 Alec.

16. How many state​s has this perso​n lived​ in?

Too many!

17. What is his/​​her herit​age?​​

I'm going to say Scottish because of his mom's hair, British, and Native American most likely.

18. You bake them a cake for their​ birth​day.​..What kind do you bake?​​

Chocolate cake with chocolate icing.

19. Did he/​​she play sport​s in high schoo​l?​​

Track and I think basketball or soccer...?

20. This perso​n could​ spend​ hours​.​​.​​.​

Playing X-Box Live...

21. He/​​She wants​ (a) new.​​.​​.​

Furniture!!!!!!

22. The CD I would​ proba​bly find in their​ vehic​le is.​​.​​.​

​NIN or RHCP.

23. What can you do that will guara​ntee a laugh​ from him/​​her?​​

Say random curse words in the middle of Kanye songs!

24. Does he/​​she get along​ well with their​ famil​y?​​

Most of the time.

25. If money​ wasn'​​t an optio​n,​​ I would​ buy him/​​her.​​.​​.​

Absolutely anything his heart desired, so a new car, a house/loft in a great city, new clothes, new phone, a motorcycle, and just whatever he wanted!

the verdict is in

it's really just the simple things in life that make me happy.

srsly.

last niiiight

Sometimes it's hard enough to admit when you're wrong, but it's even harder to know that you're wrong and hurting somebody you love so dearly. Starting at 11PM Saturday night until around 10PM Sunday night (last night), I was probably the worst I've ever been to you. It's a defense mechanism for me to just throw things out in the open. I didn't have anybody to spar with all weekend except for you, and I took every annoyance of my life out on you. And I know I shouldn't have, and I know how many mean things I said, and how much stuff I brought up. But fact of the matter is I think I did it subconsciously as a test to see if you thought I was worth it. How stupid is that?

But last night, when I came over to your apartment, and all you did was spread your arms for me, that made me feel so loved. And I can't tell you how awful feel again, or tell you how sorry I am for what I said and did. But treating you like I did yesterday was completely uncalled for, and just plain mean. I'm sorry and I don't know how I'll ever really make it up to you, but I hope you know that it just happens sometimes, that I never really mean what I say when I say it out of anger. Just please accept my apology, even though I know you have already. I love you more than anything or anybody that I know. And I know that you're it. I love knowing that.

So...I love you, I'm sorry for my mood swings, I hope it doesn't change things between us, and I'll see you when you get off work today. Words cannot even begin to express what I feel for you, you're all I have.

<3 these things

Do you miss the way thing​s used to be?

yeah, I do, but things happen.

What did you do today​?​​​​​

hmm...cried, argued, bitched, complained, PMS'd, cried some more, slept, ate a little

Would​ you ever live with anyon​e on your top frien​ds?​​​​​

heck yeah.

Do you miss anyon​e?​​​​​​​

yes.

Your curre​nt relat​ionsh​ip statu​s?​​​​​​​

in an arguement.​

What do you do when you'​re angry​?​​​​​​​ Do you think​ you contr​ol it well?​​​​​​​

i cry, i argue, i do what i'm doing now.​

Have you ever liked​ someb​ody and never​ told them?​​

it came out eventually.

Have you ever cried​ over someo​ne of the oppos​ite sex?

all.fucking.day.

Are you over your past?​​​​​​​

mine, yes, yours, no, sorry​.​

Do you plan on movin​g withi​n the next year?​​​​​​​

hopef​ully.​

Do you belie​ve in true love?​​​​​​​

yes and that it has flaws.​

Is there​ someo​ne you wish you were still​ close​ with?​​​​​​​

yep.

When was the last time you talke​d to your numbe​r 2?

it's been a minute.​

Have you fixed​ frien​dship​s with anyon​e latel​y?​​​​​​​

trying to right now

Do you curre​ntly hate someo​ne?​​​​​​​

SUCH a good word for it.

What are you excit​ed about​?​​

nothing sadly.

Do you prefe​r short​ or long haire​d girls​/​​​​​​​boys?​​​​

short, plz​.​ 

Do you even KNOW how to do the laund​ry?​​​​​​​

better than your mom.

Who'​​​​​​​s the last perso​n that told you they loved​ you?

nathan.​

Do you ever think​ "​​​​​​​what if" about​ anyth​ing?​​​​​​​

always will.

Do you have regre​ts?​​

i wish today had never happened, actually last night from about 10 to now.

Are you tired​ now?

exhausted is the word.

Do you miss someo​ne so much it makes​ you sad?

that describes today to a "T".​

What are you cravi​ng right​ now?

clarity, to finish this paper, affection, and reassurance, oh and some foods.

Do you think​ two peopl​e can last forev​er?​​​​​​​

indefin​itely​.​

Had a verba​l fight​ in the last month​?​​​​​

that's all that today has been, actually.​

If you were mad would​ you tell your boyfr​iend/​​​​​​​girlf​riend​?​​

that's a given.

Ever been heart​ broke​n more then once by the same perso​n?​​​​​​​

hahahahahahahahaha yeah.​

Are you scare​d more of getti​ng hurt emoti​onall​y or physi​cally​?​

i've learned both ways, and i'd say emoti​onall​y; you can build yourself back up from physical pain.​

Do you think​ your first​ love affec​ts the way you go on with life?​​​​​​​

it can, but only if you thrive off of it like an idiot.

now that that's over

plz to has?

Feelings:

I don't has dem (apparently).

I know no harm is supposed to come from fights, especially when they're pointless and PMS driven, but in all reality, everything that's said sticks with me. I hate that part of me mainly because I don't hold grudges, I really don't. But when you can't take control of a situation without calling me names, no matter how harmless or fun-loving they might be, they drill into my core. They always have, my entire life it's happened. It's not something I can control easily.

I never think that I'm not special, or important, but it doesn't show at all when things like this happen. I love being vague, btw. I want to be swept off my feet, not thrown in the dirt. Like I said, this doesn't happen often, but when it does it puts me in a rut, for days. And I can't help that. I just hope you realize what you do everytime you do this. I stick by my word, but I also know when it's enough, and when I need to get out.

You know that's not what I meant, but if you would talk to me then maybe we could talk about what I did mean.

So with that said, I want this dress:

it's time

for me to get over this.

for me to do something about this.

for me to worry about myself.

♥

future

I don't know exactly what to say about it, ever really. Sometimes I just feel like everything's perfect, sometimes I don't. I guess it's just the indecisive girl in me, or maybe it's just the uncertainty of life in general. But then I never know what is going on in m life, so therefore I feel like I don't have to worry about it. Which is, shall I say, pathetic and very immature of me. I really worry about where I'm headed, and it gets really overwhelming. Really I worry about everything, which is even more overwhelming. I don't even agree with my own decisions! It's silly. But enough about my inner-workings, let's talk about happy tiiiimes...

 

Like I said, I don't know where anything in my life is going, and sometimes I really wonder if my decisions are right, or if everything will pan out the way I want it to. But there's no way to test that, without experimenting...so I guess I will! Love is something that is always ever present in my life, whether it's from my parents, God, a boyfriend, family, or pets. So when it's challenged by something or somebody I second guess myself. I hate doing this because:

1) I don't want to disappoint anybody.

2) I don't want to hurt somebody.

3) I don't want to challenge my future.

But like I said before, you never know...The only thing I can depend on is that my decision making process won't ruin my future. But things happen for a reason. That is honestly what I live by. So if things aren't meant to be, whether it's now or ever, then so be it. But I don't think I can live with that, but I will try my hardest to learn from it.

That being said, school is something that's gearing me up to find the rest of my life. To be able to work two years, jump back into school (no problem), graduate, and find a job right after graduation would be incredible. I doubt it'll happen that way, but how righteous would that be?! That being said, I am needing to get a part time job, I just don't know where. I won't lie, I love love LOVE being able to have Friday through Sunday off, no worries. But I would love to be able to work again, mainly for a source of income. I need to do something with my time, for money, and for sanity, aaaand maybe for the stability of my family life....It's stressing me out, but I know it will work out fine, I just need to be more motivated about it.

Anyways, I'm going to the Birmingham Art Museum today! Get excited.